


We Don't Have Forever

by ken_ichijouji (dommific)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Xenopolycethemia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-22 02:01:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8268512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dommific/pseuds/ken_ichijouji
Summary: The five people whose deaths had an impact on Jim and Bones, and the one that was a near miss.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Captainkirkmccoy (faithintheboys)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithintheboys/gifts).



> I realize that technically Jim is also a near miss, but he was actually in a body bag so I'm choosing to count it.
> 
> Spoilers for all Kelvin-verse films, For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky, and Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. 
> 
> The poem is Invictus by William Earnest Henley. Title from XO by Beyonce.

_George_

Jim is five when he asks. “Where is Daddy?” he wonders one day when returning home from kindergarten. 

Winona freezes in the midst of hanging up his little yellow coat. She instantly changes, her eyes growing dull, and her mouth shifting from a smile to a large frown. “Oh, baby.”

“A lot of the other kids have daddies or a second mommy,” Jim continues, though he thinks he should maybe stop. “It’s just us and Sam. Where’s Daddy? We have pictures, but where is he?”

Winona picks him up, placing him on her hip. She carries him into the kitchen and puts him in his booster seat. The first frost hit last night, and there’s still a nip in the air. She grabs the cocoa powder and the milk, turning on a burner with a saucepan. She makes them big, steaming mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallows. 

As always, Jim tries to drink his too soon and gets burned. Winona wipes the chocolate off his cheek with gentle hands.

“Baby, your daddy died,” Winona whispers when the cocoa’s half drunk. “He died saving our lives on the _Kelvin_.”

“What’s ‘died’?” Jim asks. He’s heard the word, of course, but he doesn’t have a context aside from never seeing the person again.

“Every living thing dies, Jim,” Winona says. “One day I will. One day, long after me I hope, you will. It’s your life coming to a close, and you move on. Your body becomes food for the Earth, and everything begins anew.”

“Oh,” Jim says. Now he understands why she’s so sad. “So I can never meet Daddy? I’ll never get to hug him?”

There are tears in her eyes. She shakes her head a few times, taking the mugs to the sink to wash. She doesn’t speak for a long time, though Jim can hear her breathing. It’s loud, hitching, like she’s trying not to sob. When she’s done, she wipes her eyes with the back of her arm, and she turns to him with a watery smile. She kneels by his chair, ruffles his bangs, and kisses him on the cheek. “It’s screen time, Jim. Want to see some videos or photos of your daddy? I think it’s time.”

Jim brightens. “Yeah!”

“Okay, let’s go into the living room.” She picks him up again, which Jim wonders if maybe he’s too big for that, and they go sit on the couch. She queues up a home video of her and Daddy when they were young---it’s them on a motorcycle, and Mommy yells while Daddy laughs.

It’s not actually having Daddy, but it’s not bad.

 

_David_

Leonard is a fresh-faced medical school graduate when David falls down the stairs. He’s running on no sleep and tons of caffeine when the diagnosis is delivered. He’s hungover, still partially drunk when the doctor says there’s no cure, no turning back, let’s just make him comfortable.

He oversees a new bed being delivered to his daddy’s house. He hires two nurses so neither of them get caretaker fatigue.

He doesn’t think about himself, or his wife; when he’s not at work, he’s with his daddy. The exception to this is Jo, but for the most part Leonard sits at his father’s bedside, reading to him when his vision goes.

It’s been six months, and David fades so fast, just a shell of what he was. He even looks decades older, his skin stretched tight but sagging on his face. Touching him hurts Leonard---his skin is dry like parchment. 

Leonard stands with Joanna in between him and his wife as the pastor reads David’s favorite poem. Joanna is a little too young to fully grasp what’s happening, which means one day he’ll have to re-explain death and dying to her. 

He may even have to explain to Jo why Daddy is a monster.

_Out of the night that covers me,_  
_Black as the pit from pole to pole,_  
_I thank whatever gods may be,_  
_For my unconquerable soul._

Leonard’s out of tears, out of questions, and out of heart. He just wants to hide somewhere, because he’s sure the wrong person will look in his eyes and know the truth. He signed the death certificate saying complications due to his disease. The county didn’t bother with an autopsy because he’s so well-regarded and trustworthy.

Trustworthy. Yeah, right.

_It matters not how strait the gate,_  
_How charged with punishments the scroll,_  
_I am the master of my fate,_  
_I am the captain of my soul._

His eyes burn. His soul crumbles. He feels sick of the violently ill variety, and he lets go of Jo and runs from the funeral. He finds a trash can and vomits up what little breakfast he managed. He wipes his mouth with the back of his right hand, tries to pull himself together.

Jocelyn and Jo are already in the limousine. Jo moves from next to her mother to his lap. “You didn’t need to make a scene,” Jocelyn chides.

Leonard bites back what he wants to say so hard he tastes blood. Instead, he gives her a look that makes her back down. Jocelyn gives the address to the driver, and they lead the way to the reception at the old house.

Leonard manages to get through the afternoon, but he sleeps on the sofa. He thought he was all cried out. It turns out he was wrong.

 

_Christopher_

The room is chaos, smelling of ashes and blood, and Jim can barely manage to figure out a way to try to stop Harrison from killing every last one of them. He jams the engine of his ship, but too late as he sees Harrison’s transporter signature as he beams out.

Jim runs back to check for survivors, seeing Spock kneeling before someone on a couch. As Jim runs closer, he sees it’s Pike.

And he’s not breathing.

Jim’s legs give out, his heart shattering in that instant, and he places a hand on Pike’s jacket. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until his face is buried in Pike’s jacket, until he hears the sobs wracking his body, until he feels how cold to the core he is.

_If anyone deserves a second chance, it’s Jim Kirk._

The one person who never doubted him, the one person who always believed in him---he’s gone.

He’s gone, and that _traitor_ took him out.

Jim’s pain solidifies in that instant, crystallizing into rage. He wants to run him down, like Marcus said. He wants to make him suffer, he wants to strangle him and watch his eyes as the life leaves his body. He wants to savor the sight of his death---nothing would be sweeter. Jim’s crying ceases. He straightens himself up and stands. He turns and leaves, walking from Starfleet HQ to his apartment. 

He ignores the call from Bones wondering why he hasn’t shown for a medical exam.

He pours two glasses of whiskey, drinks one, toasts the other.

To revenge.

 

_Jim_

Leonard hasn’t slept in two days. He sits next to the biobed in Starfleet Medical. Next to him is Spock, and neither of them speak for several hours.

Jim’s vitals are stabilizing, but the radiation poisoning was severe. It’s going to take him a while to wake up and really rejoin the living. Leonard holds Jim’s hand in between both of his, swallowing once. He’s still in his medical whites, having gone off shift four hours ago. He won’t go home to his Sausalito apartment until Jim’s eyes open. Until that stupid, self-sacrificing idiot opens his eyes---here is where Leonard will be.

Nyota joins them, her head leaning on Spock’s shoulder. He wraps an arm around her, an uncharacteristic display of affection when they’re not by themselves. Leonard’s seen it before, but this time it feels like he’s actually supposed to as opposed to intruding on a secret.

“How much longer do you think he’ll---” Nyota asks, her voice trailing off as she realizes she may be out of bounds.

“Not sure,” Leonard answers. “Probably another ten days or so. At least that’s what the models suggest.”

Spock inclines his head. “Thank you again, Leonard.”

Leonard shrugs. He did it for Jim since he couldn’t for his father, and since Jim means more than Daddy did, there really was no other option. He’s not budging on not giving Starfleet the formula---because after what they did with Scotty’s equation who the hell knows if they can be trusted---but regardless, he’d do it all again for the man in the bed before him. 

Jim’s looking scruffy so Leonard makes a note to get his dopp kit and shave him if he’s forced to run home for a breather. Which will be soon if Phil Boyce has a say. 

Leonard strokes Jim’s hand, his thumb caressing his knuckles. Their hands fit well together, he thinks. 

 

_Syl_

Jim, to his own surprise, enjoys the birthday party Bones planned behind his back. He talks with his crew and close compatriots, he promises Pavel they’ll replace the scotch, and the evening winds down so that it’s just him and Bones.

Bones hands him a bourbon. Jim takes it with a nod as he has a realization when he remembers someone who should be here isn’t, his mood taking a nosedive. “What’s wrong? I thought you liked---”

“The party was great,” Jim says with a sigh. “I just realized though---Syl would still be alive if it hadn’t been for me. That’s one crew member I directly got killed.”

Bones sips his own drink. “Edison killed her, Jim. Not you.”

“But my actions---”

“Didn’t cause this,” Bones finishes. “Syl chose to give him the Abronath. Edison chose to use it on her as a sick demonstration of its abilities. You didn’t cause anything.”

“I sort of did though,” Jim points out.

Bones shakes his head. “You can’t think that way. You’ll go insane. Deaths in our line of work are unavoidable. You can’t blame yourself for every single one. It’s out of all of our hands, including yours.”

Jim nods, though he’s not sure he believes it. He knows he can minimize them at least. He knows that he can do everything he can to prevent any loss.

Bones takes his drink from him, gesturing for him to follow. They’ve been assigned apartments on Yorktown while the _Enterprise-A_ is built. They’re at Bones’ apartment, which is down the hall from Jim’s. They enter, and Bones hands Jim a glass of water. 

“Thanks,” Jim says. 

Bones shrugs. “Just stay here tonight. You’re too maudlin to be alone.”

“Mister Sensitive strikes again,” Jim quips. He takes off his boots, preparing to get comfortable on the couch. He balls his jacket up as a pillow and lies down.

Bones looks at him like he’s lost his mind.

“What?”

Bones opens his mouth then closes it. He clears his throat. “Nothing. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Jim feels like he did something wrong, but he can’t figure out what as Bones goes to his bedroom and turns off the lights.

 

_Leonard_

The Fabrini cure, while painful, works, and Leonard gets to fight another day. He’s on light duty for another two weeks, though, which for him means nothing but paperwork. Christine and Geoff claim they feel sorry for him, but the twinkling in their eyes doesn’t bear that out.

He’s been off shift and had dinner when his door chime rings. He’s tired, but he’d like the company so he opens it.

It’s Jim.

It’s Jim, out of uniform with something behind his back in one hand, and Leonard blinks at the sight. “Come...in…”

Jim does, shifting from one foot to the other. “So. I’ve had to do a lot of thinking.”

“Hope it didn’t hurt,” Leonard can’t help but say.

“It bothers me that you’d leave us,” Jim begins, ignoring the remark. “But it bothers me even more that you almost died. Well, they bother me equally, I should say. Which is weird and didn’t make a lot of sense---”

Leonard’s eyebrow rises.

“It didn’t make any sense until I thought that...you know, you’re the one who’s always been here. You’re the one I always want beside me, and I don’t mean that in a captain way. I mean like, when I think about my future, I see you in it with me. And I---”

Jim holds out the thing from behind his back, and it’s one of Hikaru’s roses.

“What’d you have to do to get one of those?” Leonard asks.

“He doesn’t know, which means when he finds out I’ll get murdered,” Jim answers. It’s the truth. “So maybe we should...get cozy so I can enjoy my last few living hours?”

It’s the weakest pass he’s ever heard Jim make at another person, but it’s also the most sincere. Leonard wonders for a second if it’s the right call, even though the birthday party last year had been a fairly brazen overture. “Oh hell, Jim. Yeah. Okay.”

Jim smiles at him, his eyes alight with azure flames, and as he pulls Leonard into his arms, Leonard thinks everything led them here, and things are how they should be.


End file.
